I realize that many already have, but I think we need to talk about Mystery. I only became aware of the guy recently, as he unexpectedly began appearing on various TV shows that play in the background of my usual late night routine (which usually consists of fervently trying to load ROMs onto something or other).
I guess that Mystery’s gotten himself a publicist and is making the rounds. I realize that in my own small way I’m playing into his hands by writing this. But I can’t help it. He’s just so awful.
He’s also the host of a reality show on VH1 that’s devoted to teaching guys how to pick up girls. Mystery is a pick-up artist, you see — the world’s greatest, apparently, although it seems difficult to find solid metrics about this sort of thing. He’s tall and not bad looking, although his wardrobe makes it instantly obvious that at some point in the past Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee had a garage sale. He paints his fingernails black. He used to be a magician.
I have to confess that I’ve never seen his VH1 show. I also haven’t read Neil Strauss’s book The Game, in which I’m told Mystery plays a prominent role (as you all know, I refuse to read any books that aren’t about wizards). I’m speaking from a position of blessed ignorance.
But I have visited Mystery’s website, which he runs with a guy called Matador. “Wait a minute,” you may be saying, “I’m beginning to think that these guys aren’t using their real names!” Right you are, my sharp-witted reader! It seems that people in Mystery’s line of work like to use pseudonyms — like bloggers, except with venereal disease instead of comment spam. For example, the coauthors of Mystery’s book include Lovedrop, Style, Sinn, Wilder, and Toecutter (Style is Neil Strauss). My favorite is Thundercat, who I found while googling in support of this post (bonus: he describes a Daily Show “sketch” as “chick humor”). Mystery was well-prepared for pseudonymity, having already legally inserted an unnecessary “Von” into his name in his early twenties.
Back to the website. It’s pretty sad. Not because there are 473 of 500 backstage passes available for the next seminar, or even because it’s running on a Microsoft webserver. No, it’s the testimonial video. You really need to see it for yourself, but for those unable to watch at work, allow me to summarize.
Three former students of Matador recount their experience at the “backstage” portion of a seminar. It’s instantly clear how these men have been instructed to make their appearance more appealing to the opposite sex.
“You! The paunchy guy! Bleach some of your hair! Think ‘guy who runs the sound board at a Fallout Boy show’ — that’s what we’re going for.”
“You! Yes, the gentleman who looks unnervingly like the older brother of Tom’s friends Jon and Mark. Your look will be ‘the neck’. Girls love necks — they practically insist on them! You want to direct as much attention as possible to the area between your clavicles. Go!”
“As for you… well, uh. Hmm. How about you just try to appear in silhouette as much as possible? That might work, right?”
Just listen to these poor dopes talk about the experience. It’s all about how great Matador was at performing “sets” and “going caveman”. Yes, it sounds like Matador is awfully good at adhering to the principles of the system he invented to describe the things that he does. Similarly, I’m currently in the twenty-seventh year of a record-defying game of TomBall.
None of the gentlemen pictured above mention the girls that they’ve gotten as a result of paying $4000 to cretins. That, they presumably presume, will come later. It’s a bad presumption, though (theirs, not mine — my presumption is fine). For one thing, these seminars seem likely to attract the least-promising students available. It’s like those real estate seminars you see advertised late at night on channels that required the use of the second, clickier TV knob back when you where a kid. While it’s true that some people make a lot of money at real estate speculation, it’s also true that paying someone thousands of dollars to tell you that you should staple some signs to utility poles is not an effective way to gain admission to the plutocracy.
But the bigger problem is the lack of focus. For a bunch of guys desperate to improve their luck with the ladies, these three sure seem to have hard-ons for their greasy instructor. It’s understandable: talking to strangers while wearing strange new clothes is hard. It would be much easier if you were less insecure — and surely someone who’s enough of a jackass to call himself “Matador” must be comfortable in his own artificially-tanned skin. The goal gets shifted: before they know it they’re simply trying to continue hanging out with a more dominant male, and paying to do so.
It’s all right there on the website. Just check out Mystery’s personal guarantee:
“If you are at all dissatisfied with my Training program, after you have fully attended all three days, I insist that you approach me on Sunday night, after the training is over.
“You can do so discreetly; I will not embarrass or expose you in front of other students — remember, you’re family now.
“Explain to me the nature of your concern, and I will personally see to it that it will be addressed by me or my staff, as quickly as humanly possible.
“Should I still be unable to provide the value that you expect from me, I will gladly and promptly refund your attendance fees, including the (normally non-refundable) deposit.
“And guess what? We’ll still stay friends. That’s my commitment to you.
Hear that? Mystery — the man who’s in the business of inventing ways to bypass women’s agency and capacity for critical thought, reducing them to consumable objects to power his reality shows and ejaculations — respects and admires you as an individual. So much so, in fact, that the deep friendship forged by your commercial interaction trumps his desire to charge $4k to the Mastercard you applied for outside the campus dining hall. Even though he could buy a pretty sweet fuzzy hat with that money (and he could really use a new fuzzy hat). No, it’s more important that the two of you stay friends. And seriously, as soon as his schedule frees up he’ll swing by your folks’ basement for that game of Halo you’ve been talking about. He hasn’t played before, but he bets you’re really good!
I know this, because it happened to me. During my freshman year of college I lived in a dorm suite that had a doorbell made from scrounged parts before the sun set on our first collegiate day. By the end of the semester it would also house an animatronic Tigger doll. I liked my suitemates a lot, and we all got pretty good at Starcraft. But there was no denying that the devout Christian guy was the second-coolest person among us.
But the first-coolest was Dave. Dave was friendly, short, and very successful with women. I hung out with Dave, and superficially tried to figure out how I could become the one to pull the fire alarm in the middle of the night to get my roommate out of the room, allowing me to lock the door behind myself and a coed. But soon I just mostly just trying to hang out with Dave. He was charming and self-assured, and having that all the time seemed even better than having drunken sexual encounters some of the time. But it didn’t make me any more charming, or get me any more girls.
Ugh. I have to admit, though, that I’m kind of fascinated by this awful, awful scene. Much like when Kriston regaled the Jagermeister promotional team with the true, sordid origin of their employer’s wares, I think it would be pretty fun to catch it in action and have a chat with them about it. To McFadden’s!
Wait, Mystery used to be a magician, but you won’t read The Game because you only read books about wizards? I think you’re splitting hares here.
(Get it? Because magicians cut things in half … and pull rabbits out of their hats! Which are related to hares.)
That’s an excellent point, and one that I’m embarrassed to have missed. As you can imagine, my strict wizard-based standards occasionally require some mental gymnastics to make a book qualify.
I have seen the show, about which a couple of my classmates are unironically obsessed. It’s pretty sad. The contestant guys cry all the time, which, hello, maybe you’re going to need more than a former ren-faire attendee to help you sort these problems out.
And Mystery+co are definitely on the creepy side. I have no doubt that their system (being handsome and funny and a little bit of a jerk) works great for them, but it doesn’t seem too effective for fat guys or weenies.
Someone linked to this clip of him on Conan, which gives you a pretty good idea of his shtick. Best is how every time he mentions doing something to avoid seeming creepy, the audience laughs. Most annoying is his own totally fake laugh.
Yup, I saw that clip when it aired last week. The fake laugh is awful, but totally in keeping with his character. It really makes you wonder how anyone could possibly fall for his antics. Booze, I guess.
Jake: “unironically obsessed”
That is a good distinction. I may have to start using it.
hi, i’m a man who never believed in bullshit, but, to be fair, Mystery is a great gift to the world, i give him almost the same honor of Einstein, Newton, Freud; because he is the founder of a new science that has it’s rules and exceptions that prove the rules, just like any other science, now, maybe u’ll say: ha, a lot of people knew how to pick up women and seduce them like (Casanova).. ok, that’s true, and a lot of people knew that the apple falls from the tree straight to the ground thousands years ago but Newton was smart enough and worked hard enough to give us the rules of gravity (NASA wouldn’t be there without Newton), he didn’t invent gravity, he showed us how it works, and 100 years from now the world will remember Mystery and honor him just like they remember Newton.. if u agree or not, there are people who knows better than me and u, serious magazines ranked him number one in the world for a reason. it’s not only about how many super models, actresses and playboy stars he had (which is a lot more than u think), it’s that his teachings have changed lives, helped guys to be better in all areas of life, not just picking up girls, actually women ultimately become just an enrichment of his students life after they used to live in a world of frustration and feeling like losers, it brings the best of them, and they end up finding the right girl the girl of their dreams. (in contrast of The First Average or Below the Average Girl That Say Yes To Them)..
and last but not least, i’d like to say to everyone who thinks that he’s BETTER than reading the method or spending the time and the money for the bootcamp/workshop/seminar, i say to them: “Good, we don’t want u to learn it, please don’t, cuz’ while u r sitting home, or standing in the club staring at the beautiful women, we will be taking them home, and if u already have a beautiful girlfriend, yeaaahh, i’m sure she will be in one of the PUA’s bed, while ur sitting home writing these articles” thank u.
Uncle Sam is absolutely right. What in the world is wrong with some guy (who may not dress to your liking), teaching guys how to get girls? Are you so better than everyone that you believe it’s wrong for guys with little to no chance at all to get on a somewhat level playing field?
You people are sad.
I don’t want to write a novel like the above. Mystery’s personal life (beyond his teachings in action) are not really anyone’s business. I do suggest you read The Game, as it’s an memoir of a coward male (Neil Strauss), coming to terms with his limiting beliefs and insecurities.
I have read, and practiced various things in these books. Though I’m at an advantage, that I don’t appear queer like a lot of PUAs or lack in the handsome department, I still suffered from approach anxiety. I’ve never attended a seminar, nor do I want to, but the theory and confidence building in these books is very similar to self-NLP (as Tony Robbins and others use, to the same success). It works, I’ve seen it to believe it.
With the write words, body language, and conviction of congruence, I could take home your girlfriend if she was out with friends at a club, or even with you via disarming. That isn’t who I am anymore, but I have done this and have seen it done by others (PUA can spot PUA anywhere).
If you get a chance, and possibly at a bookstore, just pick up The Game. Read the first few pages (Intro), it’s very compelling. Neil is a wonderful author, and it reads just enjoyable as a memoir as a guide. I promise it’s entertaining. Before you make any further comments, do a little research first. I despise Ross Jeffries and others, that are greasy and use NLP/Hypnosis to manipulate, real GAME is via dropping a woman’s defenses that she artificially puts up in order to talk to her on a human-to-human level. It helps a lot of guys.
I’m slapping myself in the head for all the misspells above. I am at work and the day has been dragging, my mental focus has left the building….hours ago.